I need a holiday.  I need it now.  And aside from selling drugs, selling myself or going on holiday with my ex again I don’t care how I pay for it.

This morning I woke up all guns blazing.  My credit card bill alone was enough to shock me into action but freak sunshine and cold weather also played a part.

I have great survival instincts and love the ingenuity that goes with being an entrepreneur.  I also hate confinement, incarceration and sitting at a desk.

I’m always happiest on the move with few possessions. I loved the movie Heat because it stars 3 of my favourite actors chasing something that eludes them.  It also has a scene that encapsulates my life.  Particularly the line by Robert de Niro’s character . . .

“Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner” (Robert de Niro’s character, Heat).   

It’s tricky balancing that sentiment with young children who need me all the time.  In their loving adoring eyes I’m irreplaceable.  I fear for them daily and am well aware what they’ll become if I’m not around to remind them what’s important.  But I have to work when they’re not with me.  This is no simple case of Fight or Flight.  I need to find a way of doing both.

I’m used to making sacrifices.  But sacrifice in motherhood is different. I sacrificed a lot to be with their father but I could never be the woman who stayed for the sake of the children. I know my worth both as an individual and human being and won’t allow anyone to treat me daily as if I’m worthless.

I hate doing nothing.  Way too many people sit around in offices doing that already.  A good few more make serious money at it.  I spend whatever I make because I like the challenge of having it all to do over and over again.  Daily risks and challenges make me feel alive.  I’ve never wanted a marriage that offered certainty or forever especially if that certainty was financial security based on living and working for a financial services firm in Edinburgh for the rest of my life.

I don’t like risking my life, my sanity or my home. But I do like the idea of waking up every day feeling I have a new business and a new challenge even if I don’t have a new man.

Listening to Ranald MacDonald’s entrepreneurial advice on Jazz FM’s business hour I’m inspired by the words “Money follows great endeavour”.

I wrote the lyrics to this song on Saturday and am off to London on Wednesday to consider various options.

This week saw the publication of the Richest people in Sport and after worrying about my son’s pronouncement 2 weeks ago that I needn’t worry about money because “when we’re tennis stars we’ll buy you a house” I now think this isn’t as ludicrous a scenario as it sounds.

But having someone else buy a house that suits their needs not yours isn’t freedom.  It’s how I ended up with Woodlands, a place I’d dearly love to sell.  Beauty isn’t everything.  Freedom is.

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I hate the loneliness of creativity.  I want to join the party not be the one creating it.  These Mariah Carey lyrics perfectly encapsulate the drama of my leaving Edinburgh to work in London, after outing my fraudulent ex. Who wouldn’t love the line “and don’t keep calling from your momma’s house.” as the ultimate esmaculation when you’ve a deluded view of your success.  The girl’s still got it when it comes to nailing catchy tunes.  I just hope I have too.

People often tell me I should write a book of my experiences. My writing style is precise and clipped so blogging/copywriting I enjoy – autobiography not so much.  Besides why write a book when life’s momentous events can be captured in a song?  Especially wry humorous ones.

Sometimes when I write blog posts I end up writing songs.  I always leave the lyrics for 6 months or so, then return to them cold to check they still have resonance.  Occasionally they do and those are the ones I adapt hoping there’s a struggling singer who’ll jump at the chance of recording them.

I hate performing.  Ending my fledgling singing career’s not something I regret.  Dance and choreography was what I wanted to pursue. Height and academic ability soon put paid to that.  But now I’m older and past caring what people make of me I’ve booked professional singing lessons to give me back my confidence.  I can still hold a tune, though admittedly I’m rusty.  And 3 years ago I wrote a song I can’t get out of my head.

I had a gentle operatic quality to my voice when I was younger.  The songs I write require gritty interpretation and considerable vocal ability I sadly don’t possess.  Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey were my idols and as a clever bookish child, reluctant to take on challenges my mother or school weren’t supportive of I was never going to get out of going to university.  Which is just as well.  Who would listen to me when they could be listening to Whitney?

These are not my lyrics.  I just love them.

Whe I break, I break

Nordic Black OfficeSo I’ve been for a run, painted something dark, I’ve even painted something white (well dusk, which doesn’t really count) and I still can’t get yesterday’s episodes of Frasier out of my head.  It was as if the TV was talking to me.  Willing me to soldier on.  I switched on at the final ever episode (Frasier’s giving a eulogy). Which was followed by the pilot for the first ever series.  From an interiors perspective this episode is all about making room for ugly ducklings – things you have to (but don’t necessarily want to) have in your life.

That first episode is a masterpiece.  But here’s the thing.  It wasn’t written in a day.  It wasn’t written in a week.  And it definitely wasn’t written by just one person.  Lots of people worked on it, rewrote parts and even then it didn’t truly come to life until the actors came on set and the audience was clapping.

Which brings me to the point of my last post of 2012.  Homes, like life need constant reworking, rethinking and change.  Nothing works first time.  They may not work out the fifth time.  Homes need to ebb and flow and have intense periods of re-editing, re-planning and re-visualization.  But most importantly of all they’re not complete until you have your friends over and music playing.

In the closing words of Frasier “Things don’t necessarily work out the way you planned but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Things often have a way of working out anyway.”  If you’re sad about the break up of your marriage or a relationship, you’re not mourning the loss of a loved one but the life you thought you were going to have.  If something in your life isn’t working, change it.  If it still doesn’t work or make you happy, change it again. Loneliness won’t leave you overnight and happiness won’t be just around the corner. There’ll be many false and halting starts.  But one thing’s for sure.  It’ll be an adventure.  And that’s enough life for anyone.