I need a holiday. I need it now. And aside from selling drugs, selling myself or going on holiday with my ex again I don’t care how I pay for it.
This morning I woke up all guns blazing. My credit card bill alone was enough to shock me into action but freak sunshine and cold weather also played a part.
I have great survival instincts and love the ingenuity that goes with being an entrepreneur. I also hate confinement, incarceration and sitting at a desk.
I’m always happiest on the move with few possessions. I loved the movie Heat because it stars 3 of my favourite actors chasing something that eludes them. It also has a scene that encapsulates my life. Particularly the line by Robert de Niro’s character . . .
“Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner” (Robert de Niro’s character, Heat).
It’s tricky balancing that sentiment with young children who need me all the time. In their loving adoring eyes I’m irreplaceable. I fear for them daily and am well aware what they’ll become if I’m not around to remind them what’s important. But I have to work when they’re not with me. This is no simple case of Fight or Flight. I need to find a way of doing both.
I’m used to making sacrifices. But sacrifice in motherhood is different. I sacrificed a lot to be with their father but I could never be the woman who stayed for the sake of the children. I know my worth both as an individual and human being and won’t allow anyone to treat me daily as if I’m worthless.
I hate doing nothing. Way too many people sit around in offices doing that already. A good few more make serious money at it. I spend whatever I make because I like the challenge of having it all to do over and over again. Daily risks and challenges make me feel alive. I’ve never wanted a marriage that offered certainty or forever especially if that certainty was financial security based on living and working for a financial services firm in Edinburgh for the rest of my life.
I don’t like risking my life, my sanity or my home. But I do like the idea of waking up every day feeling I have a new business and a new challenge even if I don’t have a new man.
Listening to Ranald MacDonald’s entrepreneurial advice on Jazz FM’s business hour I’m inspired by the words “Money follows great endeavour”.
I wrote the lyrics to this song on Saturday and am off to London on Wednesday to consider various options.
This week saw the publication of the Richest people in Sport and after worrying about my son’s pronouncement 2 weeks ago that I needn’t worry about money because “when we’re tennis stars we’ll buy you a house” I now think this isn’t as ludicrous a scenario as it sounds.
But having someone else buy a house that suits their needs not yours isn’t freedom. It’s how I ended up with Woodlands, a place I’d dearly love to sell. Beauty isn’t everything. Freedom is.